Excrucior
by Swamp-Eyes
Summary: [PostMeteor] The world dies slowly, and Tifa is now known as an eccentric pianist. When a perturbing mental sickness starts dragging her down, she blames it on one person only: Sephiroth. [CloudTifaSeph]
1. The eccentric pianist

Note Basically, there's just one thing you need to know before going ahead. This is not AU, because I wanted to write a story involving Tifa and Sephiroth - no, not _really_ as a couple - not a _normal_ couple at least- in the _actual_ FFVII world. It is AU-ish in different terms: I will just suppose Sephiroth has won the final battle, and he has - sort of - become a God. Further explanations will be in the story, most likely. And yes - AC is completely ignored here.

* * *

**Excrucior**

--

**Prologue  
**The eccentric pianist. 

--

_At times I see you, you silver rider  
Sometimes your voice is not enough  
Your face in windows outside forever_

(_Low_)

--

_Mako, _blood _and metal.  
__Bad combination, worst combination ever. It pierces my nostrils and - yes, yes, the _pain_. It is real, real like the first time. My hard breathe is real, my fingers scratching the rust are real.  
__I didn't die that night. But as a punishment, it feels like dying every times this happens again. __It's hot, and I'm suffocating. It's all wrong around me, not a single thing makes sense. But it doesn't matter, because I'm dying, and I'll be dying either way. But the _pain _- it makes my heart skip a bit - it is too much - absolutely unbearable - my blood. The noise of the reactor has never bothered me so much.  
__I'm scared. I think it was this night, as I lied stabbed at the end of that stairway to hell, that I discovered what _fear _was. I discovered what hate was, what love was, what death was, what madness was, what vengeance was. It was an _initiation_. Still now, this pain - mind plays tricks. _

_The pain - _too much _pain destroys you, _doesn't _strengthen you.  
__And I know this pain will cost me a scar. _

_--_

I see my reflection in the dusty mirror, and it's not easy, not easy at all. No, I'm not ugly. But I don't even know who I am. I used to be Tifa Lockhart, a raven haired martial artist. Now - ah.

Yet they think I'm interesting, even _more_ interesting than I was when I tried to save this shitty world. They think I'm strange, therefore interesting. Do they think I'm mad, I just don't know. Probably.  
Gods they _don't_ know. They don't know anything.

But they're all out there, and I'm sure about it. All ages, all kind of human beings, drinking. I still have to understand if I prefer just uncorking bottles, or going out there and do what I'm going to do. Yet - no, it's not for my own pleasure. It is _necessary_. And they don't know, it. Gods.

No, I'm not mad - I _whish_ I was. The less one understands here, the better he lives.  
They call me a pianist, now. I'm _not_ a pianist. But I need to play - and I never asked them to come here listening. I'm not a pianist, and I laugh in the face of the ones who records my concerts - because they're not concerts. I don't know what they are, because _I'm not a pianist_.

Tifa, Tifa the eccentric pianist, and it's not funny.

I don't care. If the room out there was deserted, I wouldn't care, because I'd have to go out and play anyway. If the people out there don't like what I play, if they like it - no, I don't care.

This day has started bad, I knew it from the very moment I woke up, my abdomen hurting _actually_, whit no concrete reason at all, as my hand was running under my vest to check for inexistent blood. I knew it was not my day. But now several hours have passed, and I'm here. I have to play, I know it, because my fingers are starting to tremble.

"Tifa.."

And then there's you, Cloud.  
Where are you, Cloud? No, you're not there on the threshold, where everyone might think you are. You're _elsewhere_ - elsewhere is the keyword. Because it doesn't matter to me where you actually are - but it matters that you're not here, Cloud, it _matters _and it _hurts_.  
No - it doesn't hurt as much as nearly dying in that reactor, but hell - it hurts _enough_.

"Are you okay?", you ask me.

And I smile. Because no, Cloud, I'm not okay, and we both know it. Still, it's hard to state who between us is less okay. You're not okay, Cloud, so I suppose we can just keep going this way, because facing what's happened to you - so _suddenly_, one day, so unexpectedly - it's too hard for us, isn't it? So we don't want to have this conversation, Cloud. All right. I won't say a word, if you don't want to hear it. Yes, Cloud. I'm still _that_ devoted to you, and I won't hurt you if you don't want to.

Maybe I'm okay, after all. Yes, maybe I'm more okay than you are.

You stare at my long, shoulder-revealing blue dress. I read on your face that you find me beautiful, you even smile. But then you turn your face, you hesitate, and everything just fades.. like - why? What's bothering you, Cloud? What are you looking at? It's just a _wall_, Cloud, and I'm here. Why are you so _afraid_ to look at me?

Hell - yes. Tonight something is completely _wrong_.

--

While you escort me, you manage to make me feel safe - ah, the _contradiction_. I know, being here in your arms is infinitely more dangerous than being in the middle of that crowd - in the middle of these people. They're normal, after all - what could they do to me? Maybe they would tear my dress,grab my wrist. What do _you_ do to me, Cloud? I hide my face against your shoulder, and I don't even look where I walk. You're practically dragging me, and this doesn't happen often. I'm squeezing your hand, and this doesn't happen often too - I don't want to have many intimate physical contacts with you since that day - because I'm afraid.

But this evening I have to do it, because I feel _something_ there out - something that scares me more than you do - and it's _no_ good.

It's incredible what's happening to me. I thought I didn't care about people watching me. But this evening…

I'm scared. It's an overwhelming feeling, and I begin to wonder if I will be able to play. I know I will be sick if I don't play. But there's something that bothers me, and I can't look at the crowd. It's not properly panic, but it's running dangerously towards panic, right now. I'm afraid that if I look into the crowd, I will see something terrible.

This is _not_ paranoia - there's no time for paranoia in a world that feeds you with shit even without _imagining_ it. There's something wrong in the crowd, but if I don't play, I'll explode. I _have_ to play.

The crowd is not very different from usual. They part as we pass though them, yelling my name, applauses cheering me. So why am I scared? We're almost at the piano, and I regret having this dress on, because it leaves my shoulder exposed, and I just want to hide - and it's _not_ paranoia.

I want to hide, because there's something piercing through me, _there_ - somewhere. If it's paranoia, there's just one thing to blame.  
The stupid dream I had this night. Why everything has to _converge_ there? Why? The memory is enough to make me touch my abdomen. Everlasting inexistent pain.

_You_ make me sit at the piano, because I'm so confused - so filled with unexpressed thoughts - that I'm paralysed. I have no idea what's happening, and at this point I wish it is paranoia.  
You leave the stage slowly, and the crowd starts to grow silent. I would like to ask you to stay, Cloud. But I know it would sound awful, so I just bit my tongue.

It's like _gravity_, this evening. My eye _flees_ on the crowd, and I withdraw it immediately - there's something wrong. The bar is sick full, as usual. For every person sat, there are ten standing pressed against each other, and there's _no way_ I can scan the whole room. The semi-obscurity doesn't help, too. There's _no way_ I can understand what's wrong.

Still, I will play, because at this point there's no going back. There is a noise in my head - and it's not music. They're thousand noises fighting each other, and the melody doesn't exist, a thread connecting them doesn't exist. There's chaos, and I _don't want_ to scan the room.

I raise my head, my gaze goes beyond the edge of the grand piano. It seems infinite tonight.  
"Good evening to you all", I just say. My voice isn't very different from usual, but I think I'm suffocating.

And in the moment I'm just staring at the crowd - even if so superficially - I know it has happened.

_What_ has happened, I don't know.  
_It has happened_. I was like - off guard.

It's like something has shot me - it's like dying, like being smashed. Like a lighting struck.

It's all the same, but at the same time it's all different - something has _caught_ me. I'm trapped, even if I'm here, free like always.

There's something I don't like about the room -but it's too damn late.

Now it's the usual moment: the piano looks blurred to me, every key has lost its meaning.  
Then, my hands rush on the piano like fiends attacking their prey, and the music starts.  
It's _not_ music, though. I'm _not_ playing - I'm _beating_ those keys. There's no inspiration - it is merely _improvisation_. It's anger, usually. It's _pure fear_ tonight.

I am afraid.

But whatever it was, it has already happened - and it's _still_ happening. I can't say anything, though. It's here, in this room, and it kills me. And I don't want to see it._ It-_

As my hair fall down messily, my hands flowing too quickly on the keys to be seen, my expression probably tells all. If there's something threatening me in this room, I'm in its possession.

It feels like the end of the world, in a world which is ending already.  
Something has happened to me, here, just a few seconds ago.

And I've missed it.

--

End of Prologue

* * *

**Notes**: This story is completely insane, strange, dark, psychological, and on with the list. Very very experimental .Not to mention is my first and probably last POV. I wanted to write something different from what I would usually write, so here's the randomness. Eh. Unfortunately I had no beta checking this.. I hope it's not too terrible. Not that I really think someone could actually like this, but maybe I could continue this one day. Please, if you have something to say about what you've read, share. 

Swamp-eyes.


	2. I am trying to break your heart

Excrucior. 

♣

_If I could change the shape of the waves  
__They'd all be a perfect 4/4_

_(P.Paulusma)_

♣

* * *

"Yo Tifa! You absolutely kicked ass yesterday night..!"

I am sitting on the counter doing absolutely nothing when the usual redhead enters my pub. I play with the duster between my fingers, eyeing slightly my only customer, an old lady sitting near a window drinking cappuccino. I didn't sleep, tonight. I wouldn't have slept if I tried - I know it - so I just stayed awake, and cleaned all the mess my fans leave in the pub every night.

"Hi Reno. You already here? You're never tired, are you?" I ask him while he comes to me and mess up my hair.

"Of course not. Must be because of those drugs I take, eh?"

I smile, and I don't want to know if he's just joking or what. After all, I like Reno. He's sunshine, in a way. He always seems cool, careless about what happens around him. And maybe he really is that way.  
I work with him and Cloud, now. This way we manage to keep this shit opened 24/24.

I say shit but - irony of fate - _Gods _- we are the owners of the most famous pub of Gaea. Yes, it is probably now even more famous than the Gold Saucer itself. Ah, the money - I'm rich, actually. But I don't know what to do with it. And I don't want to explain how could I raise from that humble room I dared to call bar I opened back than in Kalm to this 'cool place'. Gods I don't have the will.

But the grand piano right there taints me, and suggests me the answer.  
Why am I so famous?

I return to Reno.  
"I kicked ass, eh?" I throw the duster to him as he practically leans on the counter mumbling, as if he could actually fall asleep there and now, the old woman looking at him in a strange way. But we don't care, because we know even if we insulted the customers, crashed bottles on their heads, they would still come. We're _too _famous - or _infamous _- but that's it.

"Absolutely! I mean - _absolutely_! I even stopped drinking my cocktail, Christsake!" he says vehemently. "That was so astonishing, Teef. It was such a _struggle_.."

He's definitely serious. He usually never compliments me about my - _music_, so when he says it, _that's it. _

Honestly, I don't remember very much about yesterday evening. Just the disturbing sensation of wrongness I felt. And, actually, I can't even be sure it has totally faded away now.

"Yesterday night… it was strange" I whisper.

And when I say it, I _feel _it again. There's something I don't want, here in me. Something I _don't _want - utterly _unwelcome_.

Reno puts his sunglasses on the counter, rolling slightly - maybe he's really planning to sleep there, after all.  
"You were strange, Tifa. You're always strange, but yesterday - God, Tifa you looked _possessed_"

I stir.  
I don't like that word - not one bit - not at all.

"No - No it's different. There was someone - someone who.. Someone _staring _at me!" I try to explain, while outside the window I hear the cry of a seagull. The sun has dawned from a while here in Costa del Sol.

He laughs.  
"Yeah.. Someone _staring_. Tifa, be realistic. There was not a single soul _not _staring at you yesterday - and that breathtaking dress surely didn't hel-"

"That's not what I mean. It was _different_." I insist. Because I mean it.

Reno sighs, changing his position so that he can look into my eyes.  
"The most important thing is that you're okay, Tifa."

Funny thing is, I'm not sure I'm okay.

♣

* * *

♠ Flashback#1 ♠  
(Two years and two months after meteor)

_A fucking revolution has just happened, Cloud, do you know it? And you've changed, without giving me a reason why. Yesterday night we made love - just like so many other night. _

_But today, Cloud.. _What _are you today? You seem completely out of yourself, while you rub those tables. You're not looking at me, maybe you even think I haven't noticed that. Well, Cloud, I have noticed. _

_It seems that you're looking at something which is _alive_. But there's nothing in here, apart from me, you, the chairs and the tables. So you _scare _me, Cloud. If I could ask.. If I could do something. But it's hard to do something, when you don't even know what the problem is. _

_We were together yesterday, and today we're miles apart already. I don't want to think how much time we've been together - no. But that's enough time, Cloud. So why - _now..

_Something had happened to you, Cloud, and I missed it. Did you miss it, too, or do you know it?_

_I don't know, Cloud. How will things be from here?_

♠ ♠

* * *

♣

While I walk towards the beach, I think I can focus my problem now.  
There just a few people, in this dusty square, and in this precise moment, they're not even looking at me.

Still, I feel that I'm not alone.

And it's not comforting - no, absolutely. I feel followed, even if there's no one following me.

I kick the sand pointlessly; the beach is totally deserted now. It's midday, and it's _too _hot. I kick the sand again, while cool transparent waves caress the shore.  
Nothing's wrong, but I can _swear_ that from yesterday night my heart has always had accelerated beats.

I stupidly turn around, but yes - I'm alone.  
Christsake. Going mad is the last thing I need. _Probably_.

This is for the heat. It is for the heat that my head is spinning. Only a fool can go to the beach under the killer sun at midday. I need to sleep, too. That's why my head is spinning.  
I see a shell on the shore, and I duck to pick it up. I look at it for a few instants, before I notice it is broken in the middle.

What's wrong with me? I need to know.

I decide I need some sleep, so I proceed to the stairway back to the pub, grains of sands crunching under my boots. It's hot, and I stop because I'm too tired.  
I don't know _what _it is, but if this feeling keeps bothering me anytime longer, I _will _become mad.

Then, it' like a jolt, a struck. A dream?  
A voice.

_**I am trying to break your heart.**_

Gods.

♣

* * *

Notes: Hi there.. If there's someone lol. I decided this story will be the place where I throw all my ravings hehhe so don't expect it to be normal. It _has _a plot, though, it's not _that _cryptic. Since it comes out my mind so easily, I think I will be updating this when I feel like doing so. Thanks to the one who has alerted and faved me even without reviewing.. Guys a word of encouragement would be appreciated really! Even a word telling me I'm completely crazy would be appreciated.. 

To the ones who read Subservience.. I will update.. The chapter's ready but my beta is not sending it back to me.. Lol. I don't think I should publish it without her check, because I suck with English..

Swamp-Eyes


	3. Maybe

Excrucior

♣

_I am trying to break your heart  
But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy_

(Wilco)

♣

* * *

I place my hands on the border of the sink. I had expected it to be cold, but it's not. It's warm, like everything else. It is hot, fucking hot these days. I shouldn't have gone to the beach - I'm sweating, and a strange moan escapes my lips as I brush my hand on my burning cheeks. I look down at the sink, and this time, when I touch the white porcelain, it actually feels cooler - cooler than my cheeks at least.

I stand still, pondering the situation.  
Now, the fact is - I'm _not _going mad. I _can't_ be going mad. But that _was_ a  
voice, God. No way I can be wrong about that - that was a voice. The lamest, cheapest line ever, but I heard it.

Again - am I okay?  
I feel weak, and it might be from the heat. Still, it might not be.  
What _else_ it should be, I don't know - nor I can imagine.

Nervously, I close the curtain, preventing the yellow sun from entering the bathroom. My head is falling down - I'm so tired. There are things one doesn't want to think about.  
I feel _ill_, from yesterday. Or maybe I just need to sleep. I try to reach the bedroom, but my head is spinning. People don't really know how that feels, if they haven't experienced it. It feels like.. _someone_ is moving the world from beneath your feet.

I see the bed, I see Cloud still asleep in it. Damn bed, damn memories. Not really asleep, actually, because he stirs and opens his eyes as soon as I enter the room. He looks around briefly, eyes wide open with angst, and I don't understand why.

Gods know, I'm not feeling well.  
It feels utterly terrible when I just collapse onto the bed. There's _someone_ doing this shit to me - that's what I fear.

**I am trying to break your heart**.

When Cloud's voice sounds so padded and far to me, I realise this might be even worse than it seems.

♣

* * *

_♠ _Flashback _♠  
_(Two years and two months after meteor)

_"Cloud..? Cloud what's happening..?"_

_My voice is the sound of angst right now. You've been strange for a week, and in this precise moment, you're hiding your face in the pillow as if there's_ something _menacing to you in this room.  
Our - that feels wrong to say, but they_ were _our -white sheets are in complete disorder, as if someone had snatched them on purpose. I am kneeling in this mess, the blankets somewhere under my boots. I shake your shoulder, I try to make you notice me - and it's all but easy._

_You scare me._

_"Cloud, please. Look at me. What's happening?" I think I might be even more upset than you are, Cloud. I'm_ begging _for an answer. For a single word. For a sign that it's still_ you_, this destroyed man on our bed._

_"Tifa."_

_You are speaking. You don't look at me, but you are speaking. I lean my forehead on your back for the happiness, and you stir. I can't say what's wrong. Please, Cloud. Tell me._

_"I am_ so _ashamed, Tifa. I feel stupid - and weak - I don't want to explain. Tifa... I'm so sorry... It's all my fault. I'm too weak... I thought this was_ over_... I'm - I'm_ sorry_- I…" You mutter. You're worried."I_ didn't _want this to happen. I didn't,_ believe _me."_

_I try to make you turn on your back, so that I can look in your eyes, but I fail.  
"Please, Cloud. If you_ told _me... Maybe we could go through this together."  
Because yes, Cloud, I don't give a damn if you've changed. I still want to be by your side._

_You imperceptibly shake your head.  
"We were stupid, Tifa. We thought ...this -_ all _this - could work in a world that just doesn't want us. Teef... I'm alone in this one. I'm alone this time.. It's just... Too scary to share. And I'm ashamed."_

♠ ♠

* * *

♣

"Tifa? Tifa, wake up!"

The terrible sensation of wrongness hit me, tightening my stomach. What has happened? I didn't pass out... Did I? I'm lying on my back, and Cloud and Reno's faces are hovering between me and the ceiling. They both look worried.

"Mmmh-"

"Tifa..? What's happening?" as soon as he sees that I'm awake, Cloud pushes Reno away, and his hands linger on my cheeks, without touching them. This is _so_ horribly deja-vu. Our roles are just reversed.

Suddenly my stomach flips, and I sit up moaning, Cloud holds my shoulders tightly but dryly. He looks at the wall with an angry grimace, then turns to me again.

"I think I'm not feeling well," I blurt out. When Cloud lets my shoulders go for a second, I feel lost in the middle of nothing.

I stand up and rush towards the bathroom, trying to reach the sink. My head falls down abruptly, as I press my hand on my mouth. I don't want to puke - too bad I'm feeling this urge.

Then, when I raise my head, and I search for my reflection in the mirror, time stops.

Silver hair falling down on my shoulder, lips smiling strangely. Emerald eyes staring at my neck. That _figure_ impending over me.

That's what I see in the mirror.

I see Sephiroth.

Panic is not the right word here - _God. _I could be dying - I _am_ dying.

"_NO!"_ When I turn around so abruptly, trying to hit the figure with my elbow, I nearly lose my balance - because there's nothing. I search for something, looking at the wall, my eyes scanning the bathroom from corner to corner - I am panting, and my heart is beating stunningly fast.

Cloud and Reno are staring at me now - I can't blame them for looking so astonished - I was acting like a madwoman a few seconds ago.  
Reno raises an eyebrow, his hand suspended in mid-air, as if he wants to help me, but he's  
not sure about what to do.  
And _Cloud_ - Cloud's strange as always, here. He looks infinitely more worried than Reno - just... The _expression_ on his face. It's like he's seeing thousands ghosts at once. If it's possible, he looks more afraid than I do - even if I have to admit that I _fear_ looking in that mirror again.  
Gods.

"Tifa? What happened..?" _his _voice is the sound of angst, this time.

I'm sorry, Cloud. I don't want to lie to you, but this - this is too much.  
That _didn't_ happen. I _can't_ accept that it has happened. I _must_ pretend it just didn't  
happen - I could never admit that **-** could never _admit_ to seeing..

So I simply can't tell you what I saw - _who_ I saw - who I _believe_ I saw, so I just stare back helplessly at you, hoping that you can't read my eyes.

But you look strange, Cloud. Strange and _knowing_.

And while I try hard to be rational, I look in the mirror again - to _exorcise_ this absurd fear - all I can do is wonder if I'm _actually_ going mad.  
I lean on the sink again, eyes wide open. Then, a voice suggests me the answer.

**_Maybe_**.

♣

* * *

Notes: Well.. guys, you amaze me! Actually, there _are_people reading this story, and stuff! You're more insane than I am.. Lol. Sooo. Little by little I will try to unfold the plot. I'm contextualising the flashbacks, because it would be too confusing if I didn't. Don't tell me I don't love you..  
Please, let me know what did you think about this, it would be so useful. 

Special thanks to my beta, who loses time checking this insane thing. ;)

Swamp-Eyes


	4. The Fallen Cowboy Hat

Excrucior

♣

_Everyone has a skeleton  
And a closet to keep it in  
And you're mine_

_(A. DiFranco)_

♣

* * *

♠ Flashback ♠  
(5 years before meteor)

_Fifteen years old, with a cowboy hat on my head. I've visited Mt Nibel so many times, and I really know what I'm talking about, while I explain to these people this and that about the environment.  
__But hell, I'm so uncomfortable. I wish my father was here.  
__God.. I wish _Cloud _was here. Why isn't he here? He _should _be here. He should have _been _here, because he promised, and I hoped.. - I _thought _- maybe I was just daydreaming. So all this seems so useless.. If he's not here. _

_These people are so unnatural.  
__Their _eyes _are unnatural - that black haired soldier - he keeps winking at me. I don't know if he's kidding or what - he looks okay - he looks kind - but I'm hating all of this. _

_I'm embarrassed.  
__I can pretend I don't know why, but oh- I know. I just know, and it's _so _unnerving. _

_Him. _Him_, heaven's sake. Its presence. Him, its _existence _even. He.. frightens me. No. He confuses me. He makes me feel dumb. Because he's not ordinary. He's so far from being ordinary, it's scary. I never sense anything, I'm not really the mystical type. But the _things _I sense about him - he's mind blowing, it's almost _painful.

_Half an hour has passed, and I realise I can't keep my eyes off him.  
The great_ Sephiroth.

_I wish I could touch him. He's there, and I want to touch him. But I guess he's untouchable. __He doesn't even _see _me. I wish he could see me. But it couldn't be any other way, anyway. He's _The _General.  
__No, he's not normal. Absolutely not. _

_I want to touch him - now. _

♠ ♠

* * *

♣

Strange things sometimes happen. But going mad so suddenly, without any apparent reason - no, that _shouldn't _be happening. I say it shouldn't - because it _is _happening.  
In this moment, I wish all of this was a bad dream. I'm still hoping it is a dream, even if it feels completely real - everything's normal - except one thing.

Hot. It's hot. And summer hasn't begun yet. I will die this year, if it remains so hot.  
I'm standing on the dusty porch of the bar, the red tiles boiling under the sun, a broom in my hand. The wind of last night has brought the sand everywhere. My shirt is glued to my back from the sweat, and, if I had a pair of scissors right here right now, I would probably cut my long hair. Hot.

And there is a problem.  
This time it's even stranger than before. Because everything's so still - even I'm still. I'm still even if the problem's right there - and he- it_- he_'s looking at me. I can look away, in a childish impulse, hoping that when I turn back the problem will have disappeared - isn't it stupid? Oh yes - it _is _stupid.  
I look intensively at the pile of dust at my feet - and then I look _there _again.

Gods sake - I'm mad.

_He's _sitting quietly on the bench, relaxing under the shadow of a vivid green tree, there - on the other side of the street. Right there - either that or I'm mad. And His clothes are so normal - His shirt is so normal - _everything _is so normal, stunningly normal. And it makes me feel that I'm the one who's not normal. But He's not normal - He can't be normal. His hair is not normal - His eyes. Silver and emerald over the shadow of the tree - God. All still. But _He _can't be associated with calmness - that's a _paradox _- that's - _no_.

Unnatural.

And it's hot - I don't think the sun should still exist in this dying world. The world _is _dying - why should one lie about it? Why should we have problems, if the world is dying - why can't I just let go of it - why the hell?  
Why am I so stubborn - so mad and _obstinate_? Is it possible that I still can't forget it all - live in peace - or _die _in peace, if you prefer?

I know that if I say what I want to say now I will feel so helplessly stupid - but the word is strangling me, it's tightening my throat - I will suffocate if I don't say it. My brains refused to admit that I will say it - my body knows I will - and I'm trapped.

"Sephiroth..?"

.  
.

I ask. And my voice sounds so absurd, in the silence that surrounds me.

And the moment I say it, the world turns upside down. It's like - I can see myself from the outside - in a deserted street, wiping the sweat from my forehead - and dealing with my madness.

**Yes, Tifa. Deal with your stupidity. Deal with your _madness_. Maybe you will discover that our real ego might be the most frightening thing we could ever meet.**

My hand let the broomstick fall.  
And I still don't get what the hell is happening.

But yes - I'm _scared_.

♣

* * *

♠ Flashback ♠  
(5 years before meteor)

_Brilliant green, so bright - fluorescent aqua. When I look at the Mako fountain, here, I forget about all the rest. Mako and materia can be so enticing. The stains on the surrounding rocks reflect the sun like mirrors - this corner of Mt Nibel is exceptional.  
__But I must remember I'm not here for my own pleasure - I'm a guide. I have things to say - places to show - and I should _not _be wasting time this way. I should hurry - and -_

_I stupidly stumble while stepping back from the Mako fountain. It's nothing serious, really, and I instantly regain my balance. But I see my hair flowing around far too much – black, shiny hair, almost reflecting the emerald of the Mako.  
__My cowboy hat has fallen to the ground - that's why.  
__I'm still recovering from my sudden instability, my eyes scanning the ground to look for the hat, my head bent down, when someone puts it back on my head. _

_The gesture is so light and quick that it catches me totally unprepared . _

_I raise my head, and meet His eyes - no. One _can't _meet his eyes. It's impossible - they're pure mystery - pure chaos - but they're completely neuter and unreadable at the same time. It's not only because they're Mako eyes - infamous Mako eyes - it's not _that _simple. It is not simple. _He's_ not simple. _

_And I feel completely _naked_. I would be less ashamed if I were naked. This is so breathtaking. Crush, pure crush - I'm struck. And it's breathtaking - no. _Heartbreaking_. Scary. It's terrible. And it's so intense. _

_He has done_ nothing.  
_Nothing more than putting my hat back on my head - he hasn't even _touched _me. I would have been dead if he had touched me. God. He has done nothing. _

_But my cheeks are_ burning_, and I wish I could disappear. Did I_ ever _wish he would notice me? Hell, I take it back . I don't want to be noticed. He can't notice you without hurting you - and this is so - God. I'm _paralyzed.

_The Great Sephiroth has just picked my hat up - he has _picked it up _- it is a _favour _- he had done me a favour. And his eyes - I feel naked. I feel stupid. _

_Crush. _

♠♠

* * *

Notes: You're all absolutely great! I'm so astonished that there's someone actually enjoying this story! Please keep suggesting me what I could improve, or what you like about this, so that I can do a better work with later chapters.. I'm also trying to make the whole thing a little more comprehensible.. lol.. almost all of you keep telling me it's confusing.. I'm afraid you're right..  
Thanks to everyone, especially to my beta! 

Swamp-eyes


	5. A Love Story

Excrucior

♣

_And, we will make love  
we won't have to fight  
we won't have to speak  
and we won't have to lie._

_(Low)_

♣

* * *

♠Flashback♠  
(One day after Meteor)

_I thought you were the stronger, between us, Cloud. Maybe, after all we had done until now, I had convinced myself I was strong too. I thought being able to throw fists, pivot, and push my speed to the limit was enough - I have never been so fit - I have never cared about my strength like in these last months._

_But that was not enough, Cloud, that was _not _enough at all.  
__We've _lost.

_It happened yesterday - _yesterday_, for heaven's sake. Still, I have just _vague _images running through my head - of me and Vincent dragging you out of the Crater - God you looked dead. You had a tremendous wound running through your chest - your dark blue turtleneck vest _blackened _from the blood - a trail of vivid red cutting even through your face - blood spilling from your mouth. You've lost, Cloud - but I have lost too. _

_I have never been so scared. _

_Today you're in a bed, in an abandoned hospital here in Kalm. A doctor has tried to heal your injuries, but no one cares about anything, right now. They're all trying to understand what will happen to the world, now. Now that Sephiroth has won. We're alone, Cloud - _I am _alone. Because I don't even know if you're ever going to wake up again._

_The room is dirty white - dust on the floor, abandoned packages here and there. A square of light comes from the window, which has no curtains, and pierces the air in here. I can see the fine dust dancing around. _

_I would probably like to hold your hand, to speak to you - stupidly, because you can't hear me. I don't have the courage to do either thing. So I just look outside the window - why are there no curtains? - is that because I _have _to see? But I have seen enough, Gods sake. I was _there _after all. I was there when the world had officially ended. _

_From here, I can see Midgar. Or at least, I_ would _have been able to see Midgar, if it still had existed. Meteor has destroyed it - and now scary thing is there - impending - half sunken into the ground -_ sucking _energy. The Lifestream has prevented it from provoking a fatal collision - but it looks like the world has just postponed its ending - and not cancelled it. When I look at that Meteor - when I look at someone looking at that Meteor - I only see _death_. So I guess that's all that's left to us - death. Sooner or later - but nonetheless death. _

_I am_ so _- there are no words to describe it._

_All I can say is, I'm not sure I want you to wake up, and see _this_. You would feel so _guilty _- and there would be no way - no way to convince you otherwise. And I'm worried already. I have this presage, Cloud. That when you wake up, you will _leave _me again. I know it like it was real. I can already picture the scene. You will leave me.  
__Maybe I'd prefer my own angst to end, and not yours to begin again. _

♠♠

* * *

♣

The applause and the cheers are almost deafening this night, and I wonder if that's just because it's Saturday night, and there are more people stuck in here, or if maybe I've played better than usual.

There's dark all around here in the pub, while I stand up in front of the grand piano, here on the wooden stage in the middle of the room, their enthusiastic screams stunning me, some 'bravo' reaching my ears. I'm sweating, but I'm cold. I can't force my hands away from the piano, even if they're just lingering on the keys now. I wish they could stop cheering me - I'm confused. I wish there was no smoke in this room - I wish it was less dark.

I always feel like something is _crouching _- there, in the middle of the crowd - and it - _he _- it _eats _me up.  
Dumbfounded, I realise I can't even remember what I have just played. Not a single note.

I won't be able to pass through that inferno if someone doesn't help me. Is it just my impression, or my head is actually spinning? Isn't it _always _spinning, since a few days?

"Tifa.."  
Reno reaches me, a yellow drink in his hand, the other one immediately strokes my hair, while the crowd is still applauding, whistling, even louder than before. A half-worried smile appears on his face when he notices notice that I cling to his arm as if my life depended on it.  
"You were perfect.. Let's go now.." he leans on me, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to hear what he's saying.

He makes me stand, and I move a pace unsteadily.  
I am _terrified _at only the idea of walking through those people..  
Shut up.. I want everyone to shut up - they're yelling over the danger - I can _feel _the danger, but not clearly enough.

"It's too dark.." I protest weakly, and I cover my eyes with my hand. I want to be alone. Now.

Reno drags me on the three stairs down the stage, circling my shoulders with his arms protectively, to keep me away from the ones who try to touch me.

_Why _do they want to touch me?  
What's this thing with _touching _- it's so.. _Morbid_. It's a theft.

**But _you _wanted to touch me back then, Lockhart, didn't you? So what, were you trying to _steal _me?**

The voices in the room were still fighting with each other, not a single one really emerging.  
But the sentence hit my mind directly - with stunning limpidity, and no deafening noise could have possibly covered it.

Inevitably, I am bumping against the bodies of the random ones who manage to get that close to me, even if Reno hisses a 'fuck' whenever they bother me.

Then, it happens. There is no will to touch me in that body, unlike in all the other ones - it feels like it had been shoved here for pure casualty. My forehead smacks against it, just for a second.  
And - and - it's like the rest of the room is suddenly _inexistent_. I see a lock of silver hair waving, and I don't hear the cheering of the crowd anymore - I hear - I don't know. It's like the wind - the breeze rustling in a deserted forest, with yellow leaves falling. And when that glowing silver brushes against my lips, I breathe the scent of musk.

It's a moment suspended.  
It's probably a fraction of second, but I feel it like it's dilated in time.

.  
.

When the physical contact is broken, _everything _is broken.

I'm thrown in the bedlam again, and - after that incredible moment, it looks worse than before. Everything is so real now - their touches are so real - so impure - so dirty, and their voices so rude to hear.

There was perfection in that moment.  
_Scary _perfection.

I can't find the strength to turn back, and search for that _thing _again. Maybe because I already know I would find nothing. Maybe because I already know I'm _mad_. Because if this is not madness, I don't know what else madness could be.

The crowd is slowly becoming less noisy, but the applause are still strong. Then, like always at the end of my shows, the typical lounge jazz music starts playing from the boxes, the volume high. Even if it reminds me so much of night clubs, I have started to appreciate this music. At least, it covers their yells.  
I realise just now that Reno is bringing me to the counter, where Cloud is waiting for me.

So many people - so pressed against each other - but. _That _contact- it had nothing to do with this. Nothing.

From Cloud's tightened expression, I can see _I _must have a shocked face. And I guess it's too late to try and correct it. Anyway, I can't force my muscles to relax, so the problem is futile.

Reno makes me lean on the counter, as I hear a man beyond me, exclaiming, "Waiter! A beer!" and the uncouth laugh of a woman following immediately after.  
Everything is so fucking _ugly_.

"I'm going to give him a hand.." Reno says hurriedly, jumping over onto the other side of the counter. I hear a girl yelling something to him, and the second after he's already busy with three bottles.

It's all too quick - too _rushed _- and I _can't _think. For a second, I remember the silent forest, and the rustling trees. And I wish I was there. Unconsciously, my eyes escape, searching for the lost sensation in the middle of the crowd.

"Tifa. What's wrong?"

Cloud. You turn my face, making our gazes meet, your fingers barely touching my cheek for a moment.  
I gape. How could I explain -  
You notice everything, and you look suspiciously into the crowd, now that everyone is busy with their drinks. When you look at me again, you're even more suspicious. And worried.

I can't remember the last time your eyes had been so worried and _present_, Cloud. Do I have to _get mad_, to catch your attention?

"Nothing's wrong.. I just.. Need to drink something.." I bitterly smile.

Like _fuck _you believe me.  
You chuckle, and obsessively eye the crowd again, as I lower my gaze in embarrassment. Then you just snap your fingers to a waiter, and he nods.

I am so sorry. But I could never tell. The words would die in my throat. What can I do? I can't say anything.

I lean my hand on your arm on the counter. I know we're not lovers anymore, Cloud. But this is the only way I can show you I'm sorry. There is my hand on your arm, and lounge jazz playing high. And all these people I don't know. And somewhere - a silent forest. Or maybe not.

The waiter unceremoniously puts the bright red drink on the counter beside us, and you immediately grab it, offering it to me.  
"Here.." you smile, before your eyes examine the crowd in the darkness for an imperceptible fragment of a second once again.

I take the glass from your hand.

Am I _mad_?  
Maybe, if I could hear _that _voice again…  
I am shocked at my own desire.

Unexpectedly, you lean in, and your lips touch my forehead. It's not a kiss. It's just - my forehead happens to be there, and your lips too. But your hand strokes my nape.  
"Tifa, be okay." you whisper.

I'm blushing like a stupid schoolgirl. I've done almost _everything _with you Cloud - every kind of thing two people can do together. And still, this makes me blush.  
Maybe I still _love _you, after all.

♣

* * *

♠ Flashback ♠  
(Two weeks after Meteor)

"_Cloud..?" I stupidly exclaim. I must have the most astonished expression ever depicted on my face. _

_It's a rainy day - it has been raining from the day you woke up and went away from that hospital in Kalm - just as I had predicted. Maybe, it will keep raining until the end of the world. You had been in your coma for a week. When you had regained your consciousness, all you told me was 'I'll be back in a few days.' _

_Like fuck I had believed you. _

_That's why I am so completely stunned, when I see you dripping wet on the threshold of my brand new bar. Because I thought I had lost you _forever_, this time. And I was ready to face it. _

"_Ehy." you smile quietly. "I'm back."  
__But it's like you're afraid to enter, even if I've never seen you so relaxed. _

_There are just two boys in my bar, and right now, I think I have forgotten their existence, when I rush, half embarrassed, towards you, and drag you by your hand. _

"_What are you doing! Come in, you're completely soaked!" I am so euphoric I can barely contain the laughter now, and the wet drops you leave on my dark wood floor are everything I desire. _

_You're laughing, too, now.  
_"_Nah, I will wet your floor.." you try to get back to the patio._

"_Don't be silly! So what have you been up to!" I put my hands on your shirt. There's something absolutely mad about this - I can't believe you're really here. I can't even wait for your answer. "Wait a minute.. I'll give you a towel.."_

_But as soon as I give you my back, trying to reach the back room, you hug me from behind. _

_.  
._

_It takes me less than a second for my back to become as wet as you are. And from that moment, there are just sensations overwhelming each other. You're cold as hell. But your lips are _burning _on the back of my neck. _

"_I love you, Tifa."_

_You're almost laughing when you say that.  
__It is so incredible, that I can't even convince myself this is not a dream - your hands snaking on the skin of my abdomen._

_I don't care anymore about the end of the world - this is all I wanted. _

_A moan is the only thing that escapes my lips when I feel the wall on my back, your body pressed against mine, your head buried in my neck, the tip of your tongue touching my skin for second. _

_Passion.  
What an absurd thing, here, out of the blue, with echo of the falling rain and the scandalized laughter of the boys. _

_And I am so happy I want to laugh, too. Incredibly, you perceive it. _

_"Why are you laughing?" you ask me with the most sexy and cocky expression I've ever seen on you, our eyes locking for a moment. We've never been so close, Cloud. Will we ever be so close again?_

_Your hand is trailing up my thigh now, and I realise I have to do this before you make me forget everything apart from your hands on my body. _

"_I love you."_

_Kissing you on your lips is the last thing I can do before losing control of myself. _

_Our first kiss - a first kiss should have been romantic - did you want to make love before kissing me? That's not what normal people do, at least. But maybe you're _not _normal. Definitely, you're not. But it's perfect this way. _You're _perfect this way. Because this is so completely sincere. We're not lying Cloud, and sincerity from a person who has faked his personality for _years _is all I can ask. _

_That's how our love story began, Cloud. In a dying world, unjustified flushing passion.  
__But I don't care.  
__A love story, is a love story._

♠ ♠

* * *

Notes: So this is the new chapter.. I hope the story is getting less confusing.. but it has to remain confusing enough! eheh..  
Thanks to everyone, you really should tell me your opinion about this.  
Special thanks to my beta! You're great! 

Swamp Eyes


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